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To: SoCooLBob@Yahoo.Com
Subject: sexes

Below is the result of your feedback form.

Naive Bob, I feel for you, man. [thanks ~] It sucks to be a victim of someone else's plot, doesn't it. [Yes] So maybe that's not a gender issue, but it is damaging and makes you feel like "cow pie". [~] Though the laws are supposed to be dealing with real situations, who deals with the liars? They seem to be above the law.

My story is about someone like that, however it does include the sexual harrassment issue as well. In summary, I am the young, attractive, strawberry-blonde whose boss used his position and power, money, and an assorted web of lies for 9 months before I finally gave in and had sex with him. Talk about feeling like "cowpie". I thought I was strong enough to keep him at bay. Hmph.

After months of berating myself, losing about everything I have worked years to build, losing dozens of friendships at work, self- and others' respect, and finally taking a disability leave from a job I used to love for mental stress, I "confessed" the whole truth and nothing but the truth to my pastor and here's what he had to say.

Can you say "sexual predator"?

WHAT! Yup, that's it.

Oh my gosh. Now all the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. He said that people like that don't stop at just one, either, there were others. I had been told in a mysterious sort of way by a coworker who knew the situation that there were others, when I left work. He wouldn't tell me who, but he said if I looked around, I would find them. What the hell am I, Erin Brockovich? I didn't have the strength at the time, I was all used up from the past year and a half of hell.

Fortunately time heals all. [amen]

After a couple of weeks and some encouraging conversations, I felt strong enough to start looking. WHOAH! I was not prepared for what I started to find. I WASN'T the only one, this was deep. I spent whole days on the phone, and everyone had something to say. Everyone. Suddenly the man I had been so afraid of because he was so cunning and smart, so all powerful and beyond recourse, was starting to look more and more conquerable.

Finally, I knew what I had to do. I took my secret to my company's "careline" which is what I agreed to do with complaints of this nature in my employment agreement. I also shared what I had found. They took it very seriously and believe me, the cowpie really hit the fan. He was fired a few days later, but that's not enough. [In the State of Yo I often state ... one wrong plus one wrong equals one more wrong]

I started thinking, because at first I really didn't know what I wanted to see happen, what it would take to make it right. Right now, I could ask for a lot of money and probably get it. Money would feel like an empty victory. Getting him fired feels like an empty victory. I want justice. i don't want him to keep hurting people for his own satisfaction, pleasure, and ego trip.

As of today, I have avowed to myself to personally take on this task of bringing justice to ALL of the women he has done this to. I will find each and every one and help them all purge his darkness from their lives forever. He will be held accountable. I don't do this out of anger, but ratherout of compassion for all of those suffering like I did. I will be the voice for us all. [ [i}A truly compassionate response would include him ???

Most people think of sexual predators as child molesters or rapists, but this form is just as damaging. This man sets women up by pretending to be a friend, a business ally. Helps you in work situations, which creates bigger problems, that he is then required to fix. All the while making himself a more and more valuable ally until your very career depends on his support, because you have lost all others' support. Then he starts telling you how special you are, how beautiful you are, how he could give you everything you ever wanted.

At first it's easy to see it's cowpie, but he is so persistent, you start to question yourself. You question yourself, but know he's lying all the while. But when he combines the lies with everything else he does to convince you, you eventually get so confused you don't even trust your judgement at all. That's when he strikes.

Technically, they call that consent. Put it in the whole picture of the set-up and they call that a sexual predator. It's the other taboo of the new sexual fromtier.

Hopefully, you will wish me luck on this undertaking. [ABSOLUTELY - If I had my druthers I would wish the best for us all !!!] I would like to think we all want to see bad people brought to justice. I'm sorry you had to experience the abuse of the system yourself, but know that what goes around comes around. Also know that there truly are bad men (and women) out there who are brought to justice by the same laws that screwed you.

Thanks for listening. [thanks for writing I do hope you publish this. [I will] Maybe I'll write an updated success story when all is said and done if you like. [I very much would !!!]

Thank You S. Randle ...

This is a VERY WELL WRITTEN email and I'm very appreciative that you took the time to write.

Without commenting too much on the individual situations you are describing let me say that I am certainly AWARE of the male behavior pattern you describe .. after all ... I am a male ... I am certain I am subject to the kinds of male behaviors, hormones, etc. that might lead to a difference in behavior between male and females, and I am certainly aware as many other males are that some males respond to their maleness in ways that I or you or others would not approve.

I suspect you are also aware that it is said by some that a certain percentage of females respond more favorably to 'negative' type behavior on the part of men than they do to "Mr. Nice Guy."

Let me just repeat, in addition to my thanks for your email, that my PRIMARY POINT .. the lesson I have taken away from my experiences and the lesson I hope others will also take away IS THIS ....

A courtroom, an adversarial system, a denial of due process type system that responds too quickly to these kinds of behavior with things like accusation and firing and court is not the system I would recommend or prefer.

If the purpose is to have us learn more about each other ... have each of us get along more effectively with one another .. then we ought to construct a system that was more likely to contribute to THAT END.

People coming against people results in people coming against people ... at least near as I can tell.

Bob Kennedy
SoCL Bob

Just Say Y !!!

Dear SoCoOL Bob,

Thank YOU for taking the time to respond so promptly. I just wanted to let you know that I actually do get your point and am pretty much on the same page. My hope in pursuing this is that somehow he will understand what he has done. Also that somehow we will be able to get to a position where we can raise the awareness about this type of abuse. Can't say I'm much of a crusader in much situations, but this one warrants it and I guess I'm as good as anyone! [Perhaps there is a little bit of truth to the notion that our 'trials' can make crusaders out of any one of us ???]

As far as your comment about women responding to negative behavior, I would say that they respond SOONER and stronger to it. That's a very interesting way of putting it - especially considering the subject matter ~. I'm sure we are all capable of discussing this and other subjects without generalizing too much. We are all individuals, boy or girl, and yet there are some tend to be common differences that we are quite possibly going to be learning more about as humans and as we progress. My hope would be that we will deliberately choose to understand each other and be positive about it Just Say Y !!!] Kind of like the child who is always trying to get his mother's attention by getting into trouble. He doesn't feel good about it, or really like the kind of attention he gets, but atleast it's immediate and intense. I guess as adults we atleast have the ability to choose the kind of attention we get, and that goes for men dealing with women as well. I have two brothers and countless male friends so I have had the conversation often. Being a woman, I have also had both kinds of relationships and am eternally grateful and appreciative of the "Mr. Nice Guy" in my life now. I think we believe that if a guy is too nice, it won't be long before he turns into a (bodypart) anyway, so we go for the guy who doesn't hide what a jerk he is. Just doesn't seem real. Let me tell you, it's been a challenge for me to believe my guy is as good a guy as he is. Miraculous, I think. Thank God we grow up. Either way, it's all in perception. I think you are in California by the area code, and I know it's a different world there. After going through something like you have, and I have, it is refreshing to find that beyond all the dysfunction, there are people in the world having healthy, ligitimate, honest relationships and friendships. I know I have been truly blessed recently.

Best wishes, and thanks again.


Thank You Susan .. and Yo'er Welcome !!! Who'd 'a believed ... a guy and a girl from different parts of the world could get together and have a small but positive conversation on this subject.

Amen !!!

Bob Kennedy
SoCL Bob
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