From: tell
Subject: spiritual awakening
How do I start? when there are no words that seem sufficient in our language, to keep on trying to tell my story. Yet in the face of loneliness, ridicule, laughter, and hate I must try or else I feel I will surely burst. Tears cannot flow quick enough. So before I begin I must ask, is there life, love, support, or happiness in this world after a profound, dramatic, life changing, Damascus road type of experience?????? Surely it has happened to others out there! Someone who doesn't put requirements or restrictions on the marvelous wonders of the Lord. Folks who don't put themselves on a pedistle, or believe they have a God in a box monopoly. I'm very serious,sober, and sane. The inner turmoil is practically getting unbearable......alone.

I'm not a writer,wealthy, or a celebrity, by present social and cultural standards, I'm a nobody, of which I am constantly reminded. But I am somebody to the Lord as I now know him.

I put no claims on being a prophet or some kind of miracle worker. I am however a simple message bearer. Just looking for Agape in this world of pretence, materialism, greed, divisions, meism, and hate.

Now through tear blurred vision I will give the short version, and pray it will be enough for now.

Me? I'm now a 43yr old male, 6'4, 240lbs. who was meaner than a snake. An atheist, who even hated the spoken word: God. A survivor of many things but for right now a survivor set free from a fully functional addiction to drugs, alcohol, rage and hate. I was into all of it, you name it I did it. Just about!

I was attemping another try in recovery. I had hit many many bottoms, with just as many serious suicide attempts. No need to mention the pains of withdrawl here. I was in jail trying to cut my wrists with a piece of flimsy plastic. It was a Saturday morning, November 18, 1989. The clock read nine o'clock sharp. As I reached for a cigarette I remember thinking of the people I was going to severly hurt when I got released if I could not take myself out while in here. ZAP!!, ever so gently yet with a force I simply could not resist I was backed up and ended up on the bunk on my back. I could'nt move. The cell filled with what all I can call living water. In short I was not in that cell anymore seemingly. I had one of those life reveiws, the guilt, shame, and the harm I had done to others and not only the physical harm. I was even being convicted of my terrible thoughts. It was all lifted when it seemed so unbearable I thought I was surely dying. I was then penetrated to unkown regions of my miserable existance by this living water. Then came the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. He said that he loved me! Can you imagine that! This world shaking voice loved me! Now mind you I was too big and bad to cry, but the wonderful release came, and what a soaking cry I had. There just are not any words to explain it all in short. But I had just met the one we call Jesus, Yeshua, savior, you know? The creator, pure entity of divine love, the mysterious one that some think they know and can fully explain all mystery.!!!!

With tears in full flow he said to me "Behold the kingdom of Heaven is at hand." He said to me "not to follow the tradition of man, stand not in the path of sinners."

"Make straight the path of the Lord"! his voice surged through me. With the feelings of this intense love growing and filling every fiber. I am to "speak from my heart" and tell all people that he is coming soon. We are to make his path straight. I am to say "Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand". I am to tell you that he loves us all so very much. Now did ya hear that? He loves us. Harden not your hearts he said but we are to love one another. There are to be no divisions but love one another. "Tell them all he said, especially those who call themselves Christians and government leaders". He said ther are many mansions in his fathers house,so harden not your hearts but love one another. He said to tell you that nothing shall be kept secret.

Now I'm just a poor white boy stuck in Indiana, but I am to tell someone in Ireland he has heard the prayers, he said for the people of Ireland to seek peace and to stop fighting. I don't know anyone from that beautiful country!! As with the rest of us. Or I am to say his tongue shall also be wicked.

"Be specific in Prayer".

"I love you all so much, shout it from the rooftops" he spoke firmly! "THE TIME IS AT HAND"!

Now you should know through his coarse of instruction I was trying to tell him that he is asking the wrong guy to do this thing. I tryed to tell him I was no public speaker, that I was a nobody here. Besides I didn't know a thing about any scripture, and surely there were others better qualified than I. My attempts were useless.

Now to the part that angers some...

I asked the Lord who I was to follow? What church do I go to? You see I was totally unaware of all this denomination and conflict stuff. His reply was none ... teach the true gospel, like in none has the ability or divine knowledge too. He caught me in my thoughts of who I thought had the total truth. "None are righteous, no not one, all fall short of the glory of the Lord. But love one another"!

I don't know if I am to share that or not. It seems to disturb some.

But now as time passes I can understand a little more. Here I am, an ever loving miracle in the flesh,a new person with a new heart. With a testimony,and all I seem to run into are those with closed minds and cast iron hearts. Those wanting to hear only the things that they want to hear. I could have never dreamed what I was being called into, meaning this tradition of man. I falsely assumed before my release from jail what a beautiful life it would be. Thinking the God of those crazy Christians touched me, they wern't that crazy after all. And how could I have ignored such a wonderful thing?


On the other hand, I venture out into this new found life and find more of that division instead of love. So much bickering and hate! Boy do I understand the message better now, and how badly it's needed. And all those people getting very wealthy selling God's love when it's free for the asking. This new heart of the Lords has surely been broken to pieces often. Yet there are those that are still into the money and power thing, when instead its a people thing.It's a love thing,helping supporting,caring, as he cares for us.

Take a look, what have we become? Who are we really listening to? Christ like? Examination time!

Well there is the majority of it. Folks, I would hope you pray over this and for me. Because these are tricky times we are in, and thank God he is with us. And is indeed the same yesterday, today, and forever.

He really does love you so much.

John 13:34

Feel free to tell people about what the Lord did for this guy. And remember he is ther for you too!


Thank you for your time and God Bless!


"SoCoOL" Bob
Thanks DE'Colores for your response to SoCoOL ... Sonoma County ONLINE ... and YOUR God Experience. I found your writing more than fine ... and your experience very moving. Would like to hear more?
Thank you for your inquiry and your patience with me, being new to a keyboard and feeling rather inadequate to fulfill this commission. I wish my humble little house would fill with serious seekers such as us, instead of people thinking or being taught that God is dead, or that he doesn't work like that anymore.

My difficulties (some) are rooted in trying to live up to the expectations and requirements of some in the church. You see I'm not fluent in tongues, I did a lot of groaning for the world, that came from deep inside some where, but have been told thats not good enough!!

You say you are reading the Bible .... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John? That man Jesus, if He is alive today .... what would He say when confronted with your attempt to be fluent in tongues ... and or any other thing you do, have done, and/or are attempting to do ??? That is the only way I know that we can truly be exposed to what is godly .... by marvelling ... and then becoming more and more comfortable with Him.
It's not been good enough that all my symptoms of severe drug withdrawal instantly disapeared. It's not enough that a man of tremendous violence turned into a blubbering, tear soaked, bundle of love and prayer. With a very genuine concern and compassion for all people. Even to the point of denying myself so that others can have. And it's not to blow my own horn. I'm far from the man I used to be. You see, thats what I thought being a follower of Christ was all about, but again, I changed, not the world around me. All my past dreams of having the big beautiful house, pool in the yard, selection of vehicles, etc., don't have much bearing on my life now. They are just things, thats all just things. Maybe just our cultures expectations or status symbols.

After being so blessed as to lay and bask in the true presence of the Lord, I simply could not have while I seen others hungry or hurting. I was so overwelmed by this extraordinary compassion. I had the can't help it's. And I'm not really putting those that have down, it's just something this new heart of mine is trying to figure out. Like those of great abundance (from God) can present themselves on contemporary media resources having all this great joy, while living above the cry's of the afflicted, in our own country of abundance!! My heart simply can not comprehend it , while my torn mind does.

Let Him comprehend it .... you continue to comprehend Him.
If only you would meet my friend, the one called Jesus, who will come in his true name. And I'm told it's wonderful, and will be no doubt shrouded in grace, mercy, and true divine love. Then you would understand me. He is more than mere human religion, that can be suited to compliment or suit lavish, veiled lifestyles. Like I said before it's not about possesions, living in the fast lane, or who or how many attend at our church, or which is the most attractive settings,etc. No, thats the worlds religion, God is in the loving people business.

But enough of that, I think you have that picture. Your choice.

Please do whatever good you can do for people dear reader. At least be kind.

A year had passed since my conversion, I was finally coming down off of what I call a spiritual agape love high. So far it had been a time of continual Bible reading. Especially after seeing the same words spoken to me written in there. It was truely awesome. I tried writing some letters to some of our out standing religious leaders, only to have my experience denied, or told I needed real spiritual help.

You know where to get it ...
Well it took me a long time to figure it out. I had to stop seeking confirmation, or ratification from humans about the workings of the Lord. God is free to use anyone he desires, and without the approval of mankind. While God is using to fulfill his purpose, most of mankind is still to busy arguing, bickering, and judging. So there I was my questions still not answered. And I was seeking total isolation until I could try to get this situation understood, somehow. It just didn't figure, called to relay a message of love to those primarily talking about it all the time, and being met with an onslaught. But thats ok, I've been there, done that.

I think it's a beautiful thing thats happened since I decided not to be so liberal about my bitter/so, so sweet experience. Promise Keepers have organized, and Emmaus as well as other groups of the sort are growing. Thank God!, folks are finally begining to see that it's ok to disagree. We can still have and show that Agape love for one another. The way it is supposed to be. Unless you dear reader have for one reason or another harden your hearts, and closed your minds. Still you are loved!

Since I am to speak from my heart, I just have to ask a question. Right now as the Lord witnesses another one of my feeble attempts to do his will, How will he find your heart condition to be in??

Time is so short here, so how about all of us working on our hearts together.

I am a firm believer that we are in the last days. Why else would I be told to deliver such a message, with urgency. "The time is at hand" he said, and believe me, he wasn't joking around on that statement. And it being several years later I understand all the more why. Its all for a reason, whether it's clear to us or not. The Lord did'nt call me to debate scripture with any one belief neither. Nor did he call me to tell folks to go this way or that. It has been put upon me to tell you that he has been trying to call you all back to him, if you will only listen. I also know in my new heart that many will not. Regretfully.

The Lord is calling out for a change. Something most people are scared to death of.

Also I have been accused of being an accuser of the brethren, evil,and such. Man has told me Gods judgement will fall upon me,as well as their apparent disdain and hate for me, well! Let me say this, I fear the possible judgement if I do not do his bidding. It's there, in some way I have to do it, regardless of what man thinks. I do not expect to be loved and understood much anymore. But I would rather be the most hated and persecuted man alive today, by our contemporary pharasees, separationist, and those of pretence claiming to know the heart of God than to dis-obey God all together. I'm silent enough. I'm truely sorry if I offend some, but then again ya just can't please everyone. after all, all you have to do is read the book. There is nothing new under the sun, and that includes peoples perceptions, and attitudes.

Before I close I can tell you of another caution the Lord put on me for some. This is to all levels of government everywhere,world-wide. The Lord is watching all of you. America, he has heard the cry's of the afflicted,the poor. Money, power,and greed; "Woe to you" "Repent! the Kingdom of the Lord is at hand", Leaders! Who do you serve?

And the same went out to some religous leaders also, same message, same question, the traditions of man or God? You will be held accountable on what you teach and have done. He knows your hearts. And again he said "Repent! the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand".

So do you see what a guy could be up against trying to do the Lords will? Much of it remains unspoken by me unless I get into some deep meaningful conversation with a seeker. I just speak my mind when the spirit moves, and the rest is up to God.

I hope that my sharing has helped you see, if nothing else, that God really does love each and everyone of you. And that he is real, alive and living. here for you and me, regardless of our own personal situations.

I am in hopes of finding someone to help me put together a manuscript of my encounter, with a lot more detail. Any decent inquiry or comments please feel free to contact me through e-mail.

DE' colores!!

I can see you are working very hard at this ... and I understand. We all have our distance from God. That is the way of things. The truly most powerful people are the ones who have found a way to walk in the shoes of the Master. It is a path ... a going from here to there ... but we'll get there. As they say in the trade ... we do have a vision of what it looks, tastes, touches, feels and sounds like ... when we're done. IF it looks, tastes, touches, feels and sounds like Him ... it's probably Him.


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