Subject: spiritual awakening
How do I start? when there are no words that seem sufficient in our language,
to keep on trying to tell my story. Yet in the face of loneliness, ridicule, laughter, and
hate I must try or else I feel I will surely burst. Tears cannot flow quick enough. So
before I begin I must ask, is there life, love, support, or happiness in this world after
a profound, dramatic, life changing, Damascus road type of experience?????? Surely it has
happened to others out there! Someone who doesn't put requirements or restrictions on the
marvelous wonders of the Lord. Folks who don't put themselves on a pedistle, or believe
they have a God in a box monopoly. I'm very serious,sober, and sane. The inner turmoil
is practically getting unbearable......alone.
I'm not a writer,wealthy, or a celebrity, by present social and cultural
standards, I'm a nobody, of which I am constantly reminded. But I am somebody to the
Lord as I now know him.
I put no claims on being a prophet or some kind of miracle worker. I am however
a simple message bearer. Just looking for Agape in this world of pretence, materialism,
greed, divisions, meism, and hate.
Now through tear blurred vision I will give the short version, and pray it will
be enough for now.
Me? I'm now a 43yr old male, 6'4, 240lbs. who was
meaner than a snake. An atheist, who even hated the spoken word: God. A survivor of
many things but for right now a survivor set free from a fully functional addiction to
drugs, alcohol, rage and hate. I was into all of it, you name it I did it. Just about!
I was attemping another try in recovery. I had hit many many bottoms, with just
as many serious suicide attempts. No need to mention the pains of withdrawl here.
I was in jail trying to cut my wrists with a piece of flimsy plastic. It was a
Saturday morning, November 18, 1989. The clock read nine o'clock sharp. As I reached for
a cigarette I remember thinking of the people I was going to severly hurt when I got
released if I could not take myself out while in here. ZAP!!, ever so gently yet with a
force I simply could not resist I was backed up and ended up on the bunk on my back. I
could'nt move. The cell filled with what all I can call living water. In short I was not in
that cell anymore seemingly. I had one of those life reveiws, the guilt, shame, and the
harm I had done to others and not only the physical harm. I was even being convicted of
my terrible thoughts. It was all lifted when it seemed so unbearable I thought I was
surely dying. I was then penetrated to unkown regions of my miserable existance by this
living water. Then came the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. He said that he
loved me! Can you imagine that! This world shaking voice loved me! Now mind you I was
too big and bad to cry, but the wonderful release came, and what a soaking cry I had.
There just are not any words to explain it all in short. But I had just met the one we
call Jesus, Yeshua, savior, you know? The creator, pure entity of divine love, the
mysterious one that some think they know and can fully explain all mystery.!!!!
With tears in full flow he said to me "Behold the kingdom of Heaven is at hand."
He said to me "not to follow the tradition of man, stand not in the path of sinners."
"Make straight the path of the Lord"! his voice surged through me. With the feelings of
this intense love growing and filling every fiber. I am to "speak from my heart" and
tell all people that he is coming soon. We are to make his path straight. I am to say
"Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand". I am to tell you that he loves us all so
very much. Now did ya hear that? He loves us. Harden not your hearts he said but we are
to love one another. There are to be no divisions but love one another. "Tell them all
he said, especially those who call themselves Christians and government leaders". He
said ther are many mansions in his fathers house,so harden not your hearts but love one
another. He said to tell you that nothing shall be kept secret.
Now I'm just a poor white boy stuck in Indiana, but I am to tell someone in
Ireland he has heard the prayers, he said for the people of Ireland to seek peace and to
stop fighting. I don't know anyone from that beautiful country!! As with the rest of
us. Or I am to say his tongue shall also be wicked.
"Be specific in Prayer".
"I love you all so much, shout it from the rooftops" he spoke firmly! "THE TIME
IS AT HAND"!
Now you should know through his coarse of instruction I was trying to tell him
that he is asking the wrong guy to do this thing. I tryed to tell him I was no public
speaker, that I was a nobody here. Besides I didn't know a thing about any scripture,
and surely there were others better qualified than I. My attempts were useless.
Now to the part that angers some...
I asked the Lord who I was to follow? What church do I go to? You see I was
totally unaware of all this denomination and conflict stuff. His reply was none ... teach
the true gospel, like in none has the ability or divine knowledge too. He caught me in
my thoughts of who I thought had the total truth. "None are righteous, no not one, all
fall short of the glory of the Lord. But love one another"!
I don't know if I am to share that or not. It seems to disturb some.
But now as time passes I can understand a little more. Here I am, an ever
loving miracle in the flesh,a new person with a new heart. With a testimony,and all I
seem to run into are those with closed minds and cast iron hearts. Those wanting to
hear only the things that they want to hear. I could have never dreamed what I was
being called into, meaning this tradition of man. I falsely assumed before my release
from jail what a beautiful life it would be. Thinking the God of those crazy Christians
touched me, they wern't that crazy after all. And how could I have ignored such a
On the other hand, I venture out into this new found life and find more of that
division instead of love. So much bickering and hate! Boy do I understand the message
better now, and how badly it's needed. And all those people getting very wealthy
selling God's love when it's free for the asking. This new heart of the Lords has
surely been broken to pieces often. Yet there are those that are still into the money
and power thing, when instead its a people thing.It's a love thing,helping
supporting,caring, as he cares for us.
Take a look, what have we become? Who are we really listening to?
Christ like? Examination time!
Well there is the majority of it. Folks, I would hope you pray over this and
for me. Because these are tricky times we are in, and thank God he is with us. And is
indeed the same yesterday, today, and forever.
He really does love you so much.
Feel free to tell people about what the Lord did for this guy. And remember he
is ther for you too!
Thank you for your time and God Bless!
Thanks DE'Colores for your response to SoCoOL ... Sonoma County ONLINE ... and YOUR God Experience. I found your writing more than fine ... and your experience very moving. Would like to hear more?
Thank you for your inquiry and your patience with me, being new
to a keyboard and feeling rather inadequate to fulfill this commission.
I wish my humble little house would fill with serious seekers such as
us, instead of people thinking or being taught that God is dead, or that
he doesn't work like that anymore.
You say you are reading the Bible .... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John?
That man Jesus, if He is alive today ....
what would He say when confronted with your attempt to be fluent in
tongues ... and or any other thing you do, have done, and/or are
attempting to do ??? That is the only way I know that we can truly
be exposed to what is godly .... by marvelling ... and then becoming
more and more comfortable with Him.
My difficulties (some) are rooted in
trying to live up to the expectations and requirements of some in the
church. You see I'm not fluent in tongues, I did a lot of groaning for
the world, that came from deep inside some where, but have been told
thats not good enough!!
It's not been good enough that all my symptoms of
severe drug withdrawal instantly disapeared. It's not enough that a man
of tremendous violence turned into a blubbering, tear soaked, bundle of
love and prayer. With a very genuine concern and compassion for all
people. Even to the point of denying myself so that others can have.
And it's not to blow my own horn. I'm far from the man I used to be.
You see, thats what I thought being a follower of Christ was all about,
but again, I changed, not the world around me. All my past dreams of
having the big beautiful house, pool in the yard, selection of
vehicles, etc., don't have much bearing on my life now. They are just
things, thats all just things. Maybe just our cultures expectations or
Let Him comprehend it .... you continue to comprehend Him.
After being so blessed as to lay and bask in the true presence of
the Lord, I simply could not have while I seen others hungry or hurting.
I was so overwelmed by this extraordinary compassion. I had the can't
help it's. And I'm not really putting those that have down, it's just
something this new heart of mine is trying to figure out. Like those of
great abundance (from God) can present themselves on contemporary media
resources having all this great joy, while living above the cry's of the
afflicted, in our own country of abundance!! My heart simply can not
comprehend it , while my torn mind does.
If only you would meet my friend, the one called Jesus, who will
come in his true name. And I'm told it's wonderful, and will be no doubt
shrouded in grace, mercy, and true divine love. Then you would
understand me. He is more than mere human religion, that can be suited
to compliment or suit lavish, veiled lifestyles. Like I said before it's
not about possesions, living in the fast lane, or who or how many attend at
our church, or which is the most attractive settings,etc. No, thats the
worlds religion, God is in the loving people business.
You know where to get it ...
But enough of that, I think you have that picture. Your choice.
Please do whatever good you can do for people dear reader. At least be
A year had passed since my conversion, I was finally coming down
off of what I call a spiritual agape love high. So far it had been a
time of continual Bible reading. Especially after seeing the same words
spoken to me written in there. It was truely awesome.
I tried writing some letters to some of our out standing
religious leaders, only to have my experience denied, or told I needed
real spiritual help.
Well it took me a long time to figure it out. I had
to stop seeking confirmation, or ratification from humans about the
workings of the Lord. God is free to use anyone he desires, and without
the approval of mankind. While God is using to fulfill his purpose, most
of mankind is still to busy arguing, bickering, and judging. So there I
was my questions still not answered. And I was seeking total isolation
until I could try to get this situation understood, somehow. It just
didn't figure, called to relay a message of love to those primarily
talking about it all the time, and being met with an onslaught. But
thats ok, I've been there, done that.
I can see you are working very hard at this ... and I
understand. We all have our distance from God. That is the way of
things. The truly most powerful people are the ones who have found a
way to walk in the shoes of the Master. It is a path ... a going
from here to there ... but we'll get there. As they say in the trade
... we do have a vision of what it looks, tastes, touches, feels and
sounds like ... when we're done. IF it looks, tastes, touches, feels
and sounds like Him ... it's probably Him.
I think it's a beautiful thing thats happened since I decided not
to be so liberal about my bitter/so, so sweet experience. Promise Keepers
have organized, and Emmaus as well as other groups of the sort are
growing. Thank God!, folks are finally begining to see that it's ok to
disagree. We can still have and show that Agape love for one another.
The way it is supposed to be. Unless you dear reader have for one reason
or another harden your hearts, and closed your minds. Still you are
Since I am to speak from my heart, I just have to ask a
question. Right now as the Lord witnesses another one of my feeble
attempts to do his will, How will he find your heart condition to be in??
Time is so short here, so how about all of us working on our hearts
I am a firm believer that we are in the last days. Why else
would I be told to deliver such a message, with urgency. "The time is at
hand" he said, and believe me, he wasn't joking around on that statement.
And it being several years later I understand all the more why. Its all
for a reason, whether it's clear to us or not. The Lord did'nt call me to debate scripture with any one belief
neither. Nor did he call me to tell folks to go this way or that. It
has been put upon me to tell you that he has been trying to call you all
back to him, if you will only listen. I also know in my new heart that
many will not. Regretfully.
The Lord is calling out for a change. Something most people are
scared to death of.
Also I have been accused of being an accuser of the brethren,
evil,and such. Man has told me Gods judgement will fall upon me,as well
as their apparent disdain and hate for me, well! Let me say this, I fear
the possible judgement if I do not do his bidding. It's there, in some
way I have to do it, regardless of what man thinks. I do not expect to
be loved and understood much anymore. But I would rather be the most
hated and persecuted man alive today, by our contemporary pharasees,
separationist, and those of pretence claiming to know the heart of God
than to dis-obey God all together. I'm silent enough. I'm truely sorry
if I offend some, but then again ya just can't please everyone. after
all, all you have to do is read the book. There is nothing new under the
sun, and that includes peoples perceptions, and attitudes.
Before I close I can tell you of another caution the Lord put on
me for some. This is to all levels of government everywhere,world-wide.
The Lord is watching all of you. America, he has heard the cry's of the
afflicted,the poor. Money, power,and greed; "Woe to you" "Repent! the
Kingdom of the Lord is at hand", Leaders! Who do you serve?
And the same went out to some religous leaders also, same
message, same question, the traditions of man or God? You will be held
accountable on what you teach and have done. He knows your hearts. And
again he said "Repent! the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand".
So do you see what a guy could be up against trying to do the
Lords will? Much of it remains unspoken by me unless I get into some deep
meaningful conversation with a seeker. I just speak my mind when the
spirit moves, and the rest is up to God.
I hope that my sharing has helped you see, if nothing else, that
God really does love each and everyone of you. And that he is real,
alive and living. here for you and me, regardless of our own personal
I am in hopes of finding someone to help me put together a
manuscript of my encounter, with a lot more detail. Any decent inquiry or
comments please feel free to contact me through e-mail.
GOD LOVES YOU !!